The Quarterback Crisis

The NFL is an unforgiving arena, always eager to swallow up the potential of any player who shows anything past mediocrity. But truly great players do emerge, and their names last forever. They are the icons like Joe Montana, Dan Marino and John Elway, whose legacies will live on long after they themselves are gone. But the trouble we’ve been seeing lately is that great quarterbacks can’t save bad teams or dying franchises.

Take this year’s Super Bowl. Can we honestly say that the best teams are in it? Can we say that the best quarterbacks have led their teams to this Promised Land? I would argue that neither the Packers nor the Steelers were the best teams, and certainly I would argue against the case that Aaron Rodgers and Ben Roethlisberger were the top two quarterbacks in the league this year. They might be the most rounded teams, and they certainly earned their spots. And sure, they are both very good quarterbacks. But they are far from the finest.

Tom Brady will most likely win the NFL MVP this season, and for good reason: simply put, he is the best. Because not only is Brady a phenomenal quarterback who puts up stellar numbers every season, he is an inspiring and dedicated leader to his team. He took a team that otherwise would have won a maximum of seven games with a lesser quarterback to a league-best record of 14-2. But the Patriot’s inexperience finally showed in their season-ending game to the Jets in the second-round playoff game. Tom Brady is as cool as they come. He’s both level headed and vocal, a natural born leader who cares only about the team, not his personal stats (which are still immaculate). He has been robbed of the Super Bowl twice by teams that just didn’t have the same commitment, experience and ability he did. Hopefully the Patriots can get their act in gear for a few more runs at the Lombardy Trophy before their champion retires.

Philip Rivers set a career record for passing this season for one reason alone: his team couldn’t run the ball, so he had to throw it. The San Diego Chargers finished with a 9-7 record but still didn’t make the post season. If they hadn’t had Rivers that record could have easily maxed out at 4 wins (maybe). Hopefully the offseason is good to them. They need a few more puzzle-piece players before they can even have delusions of the Super Bowl. Until then, Philip Rivers will continue to have to pass far too often, and they’ll keep falling short of the mark every time.

This past season, Michael Vick became the quarterback that none of us expected he could be: a team leader who can and will throw the ball. During his time in Atlanta, Vick would throw the ball as an absolute last resort; maybe because he didn’t trust his team or maybe because he knew chances were better he would score than they would. But as the Eagle’s new starting quarterback, Vick began to show that he could be a team player. He’ll still run the ball farther than he probably should, but now can throw for first downs touchdowns. There’s still work to be done for the Eagles before they can return to the Super Bowl. But as long as they rebuild around Michael Vick, they’re in good shape.

Both teams from last year’s Super Bowl matchup, the Saints and the Colts, had their seasons cut short by teams they should have beaten (the same goes for the Patriots). The blame cannot be placed on either Drew Brees or Peyton Manning because both played as best they could. Sure, these teams were fairly consistent and pretty well rounded during the regular season, but when push came to shove they crumbled. Key players were injured for both teams, and in the end great quarterbacks couldn’t lift pedestrian teams above mediocrity.

There’s plenty of examples of good teams with just decent quarterbacks (the Giants, the Ravens, the Bears) and terrible teams with worse quarterbacks (the Lions, the Bengals, the Bills). And then there’s always room to reflect on the washed up quarterbacks of yesteryear who only get signed by terrible teams (Brett Farve and Donovan McNabb, I’m talking to you). But there really is no team that is both great and possessing an even greater quarterback. Perhaps those days died with the New England Dynasty. But what’s more likely is that great quarterbacks can’t last forever in this league. It’s all too likely they’ll get hurt or concerned about how big their contract extension is going to be.

I guess there’s always hope for next season’s great letdown. Tim Tebow, all eyes are on you. 

The Whimpering Geek from Waterville

            November 2010 marked the beginning of long and dark days to come for Maine. We bid farewell to our old pal John Baldacci and elected the next governor, Paul LePage, in a disgraceful and otherwise unimpressive election. The candidates were all lackluster at best, having weeded out the strongest competition first. John Richardson, a Democrat from Brunswick, had the makings of a qualified and responsible governor for the Crustacean Nation, but was forced to abandon his campaign because of “irregularities” discovered by the ethics commission. Ultimately, some hack way down in his campaign hierarchy made up contributions, and Richardson had to pay the price. Once he was gone, the field opened up for every two-bit chump with delusions of proficiency to have a fighting chance.

            The race boiled down quickly, and because of democratic indecision, Tea Party darling Paul LePage emerged victorious. He did not win a resounding landslide, nor did he make any kind of statement victory; he didn’t even have a majority (he got 38% of the vote). The only reason he won was because the vote split three ways between LePage, Democrat Libby Mitchell and Independent Eliot Cutler. Mitchell seemed to have a lock, but assumed too much and fell short of the mark. She should have dropped out to ensure Cutler’s victory (he lost by less than 8,000 votes), but her ego wouldn’t allow it. So with a majority of the vote being split two ways, LePage picked up the rest and laughed his way to Augusta.

            Paul LePage is reminiscent of a gorged groundhog that sees its shadow, but is just too fat and a lazy to give a fuck. Or maybe he looks more like a beached whale in a bad suit. Or he could just be an out of shape Danny DeVitto. Regardless of what he looks like, LePage’s personality is exactly what you’d expect it to be: insufferable, uncompromising, naïve, close minded and inconsiderate. He says whatever comes into his head and lacks any kind of filter.

            Worse than his personality is his moral compass. LePage lacks the same kind of decency that the rest of us have. He evades taxes, lies about residencies to get benefits, hires his daughter for a campaign position that she’s laughably unqualified for and openly dislikes minority interest groups. During the campaign, it came out that he was receiving tax exemptions in both Maine and Florida, because he was registered as a permanent resident in both. Instead of manning up and admitting that he failed at cheating the system, LePage made his wife take the fall. She claimed that while her husband was a permanent resident of Maine, she was a permanent resident of Florida and she had to pay the price for tax evasion. Even with this news, LePage still got to send his kids to school in Florida at discounted prices because of their “residency.” What a guy.

            Soon after he was “elected,” LePage hired his 22 year old daughter as the assistant to his chief of staff. This entry level position has an annual salary of $41,000 with employee benefits exceeding an additional $15,000. She also receives $10,000 in housing benefits annually for getting to live for free with her father in the governor’s mansion. Since this salary well exceeds those of other entry level positions across the board in Portland, one might ask what makes Lauren LePage so qualified to be earning this straight out of college? The answer: nothing. Her political background begins and ends with the fact that her father is the new governor and is the former mayor of Waterville.

            Not too long ago, LePage told President Obama he could “go to Hell.” And by told, I mean he said it to no one in particular in rural Maine, because it’s doubtful he would have the testicular fortitude to say anything like that to the president’s face. LePage is a coward who hopes his political “enemies” won’t care enough to seek him out, because he knows that he would crumble like a sand castle at high tide.

            The most recent eloquent uttering from LePage came a few days into his first term, when he told the NAACP to “kiss my butt.” The irony of course is that he said this on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day shortly after he refused to take part in any events for the day or even meet with Maine representatives for the NAACP. His reasoning was that he “did not want to be held hostage by special interest groups.” Not only did the NAACP take offense to this, but nearly every other reasonable and intelligent American did as well, regardless of ethnicity. LePage, ever the optimist, had a response for these “rational” people. He told the media he had an adopted son who is black. Apparently that gives him a get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to racism and ignorance. Because his adopted son is black, he can be openly insensitive and close minded towards minority groups. In his mind, this might even give him the green light to start using the N-word publicly. Relax; he has an adopted black son.

            LePage has gone on record as saying no “sane person” would allow transgendered individuals in schools, both primary and high school. He of course opposes gay marriage. He wants to reduce the size of Maine’s government (but sees fit to give his daughter a job in said government) and wants to take as many people off MaineCare (the state Medicaid program) as he possibly can. He thinks Maine’s welfare program is too far reaching and needs to be reduced (though he has publicly admitted he doesn’t know why or how) and believes that creationism should be taught in public schools. He is the perfect Tea Partier: an idiotic “patriot” who doesn’t know exactly what he stands for but is also too proud and too stupid to admit it.

            Paul LePage is a shadow of a man, devoid of any emotions other than greed, gluttony and pride. The only trace of love he has is his love of money. His languid win this past November proved one thing: we, as Mainers, are fucked if we don’t get our act in gear. He’ll either take us back to the Stone Age or into a nuclear holocaust while playing “Hail to the Chief” on loud speakers outside of every public square.

            LePage is the kind of man that is becoming the norm for politicians these days. He licks his chops at the smell of money and probably gets a fire in his loins whenever he listens to Glenn Beck on television and probably dreams of a threesome involving himself, Sarah Palin and Bill O’Reilly. He is not my governor because I refuse to acknowledge him as a leader. He does not represent the people of Maine in any significant way. I hope that in time we quit fucking around and elect someone who we can at least respect on a personal level. Not only does this shit-kicking, minority hating and two-timing nepotistic bigot not have my respect, he doesn’t deserve it.

            Let’s send him back up to the county where he belongs. Maybe when he’s so bloated from all the McDonald’s and Dunkin Donuts that he’s stuffed into himself that he can’t get out of bed without a crane and ambulance waiting he’ll reconsider his stance on welfare and health care programs.

            Until then, Paul LePage can kiss my butt.