Sunday, December 18, 2011

What I Learned From Newt Gingrich

            Newt Gingrich is a lot like a nearly washed up boxer. He’s not as light on his feet anymore, he’s slower to get up after being knocked down and he’s not the one to come out swinging anymore. But even though his agility has failed him and his right hook isn’t what it used to be, he’s always had a puncher’s chance because he knows the game. Gingrich is a lot like a nearly washed up boxer because he’s not done yet, and he might just make you pay if you bet against him.
            Newt has taught us a lot over the past few months. He’s taught us that it doesn’t matter how smart you are. That it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve fucked up royally in your past. That the number of wives, mistresses and affairs you’ve had really don’t matter when the chips are down. That no matter how many times the experts say you’re doomed to fail, you can still laugh and tell them to eat shit. Gingrich has taught us no one is taller than the last man standing.
            His has been a career highlighted by minuscule achievements and crushing defeats. Sure he served as United States Representative for 20 years, and he was even Speaker of the House for four of those years. But he went toe to toe with Clinton and lost almost every time. His small victories came only when he broke down and compromised. He shut down the government and suffered because of it. He had 84 ethics charges filed against him for his term as Speaker. When things got bad, Gingrich packed up camp and moved out. The smartest thing he ever did was to quit before the House could kick him out.
            And yet for all his failures, for all his colossal disappointments and monumental betrayals, here he is at the front of the GOP pack. He’s leading the polls ahead of Vegas favorite Mitt Romney and Texas embarrassment Rick Perry. He swooped in and took the support that Herman Cain once proudly boasted. He’s picked up key endorsements along the way, and stands secure enough to probably win Iowa in a short matter of weeks, barring any setback. How is this possible? It’s all thanks to that puncher’s chance. Veteran experience goes a long way, regardless of how much of an asshole you are.
            Gingrich is a lot like a virus. He’s resilient. He’s adaptive. He knows at some point he’ll have to make changes, or else he’ll face extinction. And he spreads like wildfire. He was there when all the other candidates fell, slowly picking up the pieces not at all once, but gradually so that no one would see him until it was too late. Now he’s not just the common cold of the GOP; he’s influenza, contagion in all sense of the word. Oh sure, he’ll probably get beat sooner or later. But how many innocent will fall before experts find the cure?