The Most Boring Election in History

            For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled. Hunter S. Thompson said that. Unknowingly to him, Thompson summed up perfectly politics in the New American Century. And if he could be brought back from the dead to see the political crater we’ve landed ourselves in today, he’d probably kill himself all over again.

            Every day we inch closer to that impossibly dark day in November known as Election Day. To say this election season has been lackluster would be a terrific understatement. Nobody in the GOP rose to take on Obama, even though he was freefalling for quite awhile. I’m not saying any two-bit chump could have beaten the incumbent, but certainly a real candidate could have made some serious waves. But instead we’re stuck with the impossibly boring Mitt Romney pretending he wasn’t the inspiration behind Obamacare and telling us his dog likes road trips on the roof of the car.

            In 2008, we thought we were witnesses to a brand new kind of president, a modern-day JFK, FDR and Lincoln all rolled into one. He was that moment of triumph, the instance of beauty; his election was supposed to be the single greatest accomplishment our generation ever achieved. But for all his promises, well wishes and good intentions, we were the souls that had to be trampled.  It wasn’t that Obama betrayed us and it wasn’t that he changed into some kind of monster. We just eventually realized that our perceptions of him had been wrong from the start. Through no fault of his own he couldn’t be JFK or FDR or Lincoln. And we hated him for that so we shot down everything he tried to do, blamed him for every bad thing that happened and put him under a microscope that no other sitting president has had to experience. In the end, we trampled him back.

            So this is the dilemma we’ve put ourselves in. The battle for the White House has come down to a pathological liar in Mitt Romney and the Great Compromiser in Barack Obama. There is no poll accurate enough to tell who is going to win, simply because the polls are from biased sources. Fox News polls will tell you Romney has a double digit lead in every state plus Puerto Rico and D.C., while MSNBC will say Obama has already secured his third and fourth terms. You can’t trust anyone these days.

            Instinct tells me Obama will win, but not by a landslide. It is enormously difficult to unseat an incumbent president, especially in war time. And when the platform of the GOP is “Anybody but Obama,” the GOP is bound to fail (that tactic didn’t work well for the Democrats in 2004, and it won’t work now). The trouble with Romney is that he isn’t your typical Republican. He’s a Mormon, which may alienate many on the religious right. He was governor of Massachusetts who created Romneycare which may push away many Southern voters. There are no guaranteed states for Romney this elections season, but Obama doesn’t seem set either. As a black Democrat, his chances of winning big in the South look bad already. Texas and Florida could well go to Romney just by default.

            Still, I can’t help but feel ultimately uninterested in this election. It was boring from the start and will conclude with a yawn. The American public will most likely go to bed early on that night in November, not because of a landslide win, but simply because we’ve been bored to sleep. 

The Hard Goodbye of Newt Gingrich

            Newt Gingrich, the masquerading musketeer of morals, has called it quits. He announced last week that he would suspend his campaign, and today announced he will endorse Mitt Romney to take on Obama in November. His last electoral victory coming in South Carolina, the only way to describe Gingrich’s decision would be: about damn time.

            Perhaps the worst candidate this season who threw his name into the hat, Gingrich leaves behind nothing more than a bad taste in the mouths of the American public. He wasn’t the dumbest, he wasn’t the angriest, he wasn’t the craziest and he wasn’t the least qualified candidate running; but he was the worst. He wasn’t fun at all. He was offensive. He didn’t make sense. He toed the unfavorable line between reality and fiction (moon colonies, seriously?) and he paid because of it. And worst of all was that he was never genuinely interested in what he was doing. He's just a fat and lazy prick who refused to go quietly into the night, and we'll hate him because of that forever.

            There was that brief moment when we thought he stood a chance, but that came and went faster than dirt in the wind. The monumental defeat that was the Gingrich campaign seemed to drag on forever, bleeding out but never wising up. He waited too long to quit. Had he ended earlier he could have been considered as a running mate. But now the American audience has caught scent of what Gingrich really is: a leech. He latches onto anything he thinks will make him better off, bleeding his host dry before moving onto the next victim.

            I will not miss Newt Gingrich like I miss Santorum or Perry. I will not hold him in contempt like I do Cain or Bachmann. Truthfully, I will forget about Gingrich as soon as he’s gone. That’s the fate he’s sealed for himself. He’s neither a tragic hero nor a graceful loser. At the end of the day, he’s just a nobody. 

The Story of the Midnight Rambler

            Levon Helm, singer and drummer of The Band, died on April 19 after losing a battle with throat cancer. He was 71.

A now mostly-forgotten voice of the South, Helm leaves behind a hole in both Americana and rock and roll that will never be filled again. Sharp in his growl, electrifying in performance and enigmatic in his persona, Helm was honestly an American icon.

            You’ve probably forgotten the names of the songs or how the words go exactly, but as soon as you hear his distinctive, and at times haunting, bark you remember exactly why it was that you loved The Band.

            He was one of a kind, but the world forgot about Levon Helm. Sure, he was still known in music circles and for his local concerts in Woodstock, N.Y. known as Midnight Rambles, but to the wider public he was just another old-timer. Helm was in fact an inspiration for generations of musicians. He was master of his art. He was a riverboat gambler. He was an unforgiving critic. At the end of the day, he can only be described one way: he was Levon.

            I remember the first time I heard “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down.” Music was never the same after that. I judged everything else through a scope measured by that song. It’s an unfair comparison in retrospect, but it seemed right for a long time. That song didn’t just sum up the tensions still simmering from the Civil War. It didn’t just sum up the South. It was an introspective look at the heart and backbone of America itself. It created a triumphant sense of defeat, a colossal collapse of body but not spirit; it was the phoenix rising from the ashes of old hopes and dreams. It changed the way many people looked at America and American music.

            People like Helm come around once in a lifetime. He wasn’t just a drummer in a band. He was the pounding backbeat for the narration of American history. Looking back, it’s impossible to tell where the musician ends and the fable begins. That’s what makes him legendary.

            Figures like Levon Helm don’t really die. They become a part of history, eventually fictionalized to heroic proportions. They become part of folklore. Some people will say if you listen hard enough you can still hear his Appalachian cry in the wind. So goodnight, Levon Helm. Yours will be the story of the Midnight Rambler, claimed by history to be remembered as more of a myth than a man.

Santorum Suspends His Run

            The improbable roller coaster ride that was the Santorum Campaign has finally called it quits. The often despicable but occasionally eloquent Santorum was the last real obstacle between Mitt Romney and the GOP nomination. And while we are undoubtedly getting rid of what would have been the worst presidential nominee in American history, we are losing something even greater than that: the last really honest person running for President of the United States.

            The former senator from Pennsylvania is a religious nutcase and financial hypocrite. He was so despised for his comments about homosexuality that his name became synonymous with the frothy byproduct of anal sex. He had no idea how to run a country or even a presidential campaign. He said whatever came into his mind, but never once doubted he was right. That’s what made Santorum so likeable. He honestly believed everything he was saying and that he was working for a greater good.

            Unlike other religious fanatics, Santorum never claimed that God intended him to be president. He was just an overly religious guy who happened to be running for president; one was not the product of the other, it was merely coincidence. And unlike fellow GOP hopefuls Romney and Gingrich, he was not the kind of “Washington insider” they despised, simply because he didn’t understand how Washington really worked. Sure he was a senator, but that’s a far cry from president.

            The unlikely dark horse candidate in this race, Santorum effectively seals the deal for Romney now. As goes Santorum, so goes the GOP. Romney will likely promise him some position in his cabinet if he endorses him (and suggests all his delegates follow Romney too).

It was a bitter end for the sweater-vested whirlwind that came out of nowhere. Unlike any other candidate running now, he always spoke from the heart and meant every word he said. He didn’t pander and he didn’t flip-flop. Sure, he was an asshole, but he was a painfully honest one. Who knows why he quit. Maybe hoping Romney will give him a cabinet spot. Maybe so he won’t be remembered as the guy who forced a brokered convention. Or maybe he just got tired of the monotony of the rat race.

But something tells me we haven’t seen the last of Rick Santorum.  

Mitt Romney's Last Stand

            Everyday we inch closer to that terrible moment in Tampa when the GOP will crown their nominee to take aim at the White House. Ever since Obama won in 2008, people have been clamoring for Mitt Romney. He’s the handsome business man from Massachusetts, a guy with values. Not only was this his race to win, but it was his turn. That’s the way this thing works. When your number’s called, you know it. But somehow, things aren’t working out the way we all expected for Mitt Romney.

            It was a cast of nobodies. People we all laughed at and said didn’t stand a chance against the machine that is the Romney campaign. One by one they dropped until the most astonishing cast of losers stood against Romney: a fat man without a moral backbone, an old man with caterpillar eyebrows and a guy whose name is now synonymous with a frothy byproduct of anal sex. There was no way these guys could even muster up a hiccup to Romney, let alone fortify against him and create Romney’s Last Stand. But that is exactly what they did. And now with the Convention just short months away, Tampa doesn’t look so promising to Romney anymore.

            The race boiled down to Romney and his apparent arch nemesis Rick Santorum. The two have been trading victories back and forth. And while Romney has a stronger foothold for now, Santorum is making sure Romney gets nothing easy. And then there’s the other guys: the fact that neither Newt Gingrich nor Ron Paul will drop out of the race keeps disrupting that which we had all thought was coming: Romney’s nomination.

            The clear path we once thought we were on has become something completely and wholly unrecognizable. And the terrible nightmare we’ve gone through already may become even more fiendish as the likelihood of a brokered convention seems ever more possible. This is where no candidate gets the majority of the delegates by the convention, and a new round of voting begins in which anyone can enter. Anyone including former candidates and even non candidates like Sarah Palin could swoop in and steal the nomination.

            A brokered convention will most likely occur since both the Gingrich and Paul campaigns refuse to die. In fact, Gingrich has made it clear he wants to align with Santorum and use their combined delegates to ensure that Romney doesn’t win. If Romney can’t win the nomination on his own, he will never win at a brokered convention. Every delegate he misses is another nail in his campaign’s coffin. And it looks like Santorum has the hammer and Gingrich has the nails.

            Poor, poor, pitiful Mitt. Fate has dealt him a cruel hand. He waited patiently for his turn, but the gods of politics may have snatched his chance away from him. Through no real fault of his own, Romney has been broken. He still has a chance, but it shrinks every day. It shrinks every hour and every minute of the day. He can feel the tentacles tightening around him even now. The question is: what is he willing to do to win? And how much longer can he go on bleeding like this?

The Man Who Would be King

     There are two types of Independents in the Senate (mainly because there are only two that come to mind). The first is the ideal, which is the Bernie Sanders model. He is a champion of the people who stands for civil and social rights and who actually dreams of a better America for all involved. The other is the Joe Lieberman model, the kind of Independent who changes parties just to win and whose jowls quiver at the scent of money. The next Senator from Maine will be an Independent, but the questions remains: what kind of Independent will he be?

     Former governor Angus King stands alone to win the Senate seat vacated by the once-proud Olympia Snowe. This is because he has both sides afraid to bet against him. Neither the Democrats nor the Republicans of Maine want to put forward a strong candidate of their own because by doing so they could easily guarantee the other side victory. You see, King was a wildly popular governor, and time has only done his reputation favors. He will win a majority of the vote. So if there were a strong candidate from either side, a three way race would be created and it would be Paul LePage all over again: the winner wouldn’t have to win the majority, but simply more than a third.

     King scared off the Democrats fast. Hard hitters like representatives Pingree and Michaud chose to hunker down, and fellow former governor Baldacci wisely took a wide berth around King. All that’s left for the Democrats is a bunch of nobodies who don't stand a chance against King: a couple of state representatives and the former secretary of state. The Republicans, meanwhile, still seem to be in a state of shock seeing Snowe step down from a seat she was guaranteed for life. There are six Republicans vying for the spot, all with same chances as anybody else: slim.

     Thus is the crossroad for Angus King. He must stay Independent and not pander at all to either side. If King leans in either direction too far, he will lose that which makes him so likeable: the fact that he is agreeable to everybody and wholly Independent. So he must model himself after Sanders. He must be an Independent who answers to the people, rather than Lieberman who will forsake anybody and answers to the lobbyists. King may even have to go farther than Sanders. He might have to become to first real moderate in the history of the Senate, the kind of Independent who doesn’t answer to anyone other than his own state and his conscience. 

     The road King faces isn’t particularly challenging given the circumstances. The only thing that stands in his way is the man he sees in the mirror. King could be his own worst enemy. But he could be the first step in the right direction not only for the state of Maine, but for American politics as a whole. 

The Gambling Green Goblin's Last Chance

     Yet again, Danny Ainge has proven that all gamblers lose eventually. Last year, when he shouldn’t have made a trade he gave away fan favorite Kendrick Perkins for Jeff Green. Green had hoped to prove his dissenters wrong this season, but we saw how that went. Then this season, when Ainge had to make a trade to salvage the season, he sat on his hands too afraid to break up the Big Three. The Celtics are down to essentially two big men, Garnett and Bass. Wilcox is lost; O’Neal is not expected the finish the season with the team and rookies Johnson and Stiemsma are unproven. Ainge single handily ruined the Celtics these past two seasons.
     Expect an early exit from the Green Gang this year. They sit at seventh in the East and probably won’t move much higher than that. If the playoffs were to start today, the Celtics would face the Miami Heat. And they would lose. If they manage to claw their way up one spot, then they would face Orlando is the first round. This is a much more desirable matchup. The Celtics have had Orlando’s number all this season.
     But the final test of Danny Ainge will start once the season is in the books. It would have been a storied offseason, but many of the big names are off the list. The Celtics stood pat at the trade deadline probably in hopes of luring Dwight Howard away from Orlando in free agency. They failed. They wanted Chris Paul. He’s gone. Deron Williams will most likely end up in Dallas, or maybe even Orlando to play with his buddy Dwight. Kevin Love will not be joinging us. But there are a few bright spots.
     Ainge needs to gamble again and sign Greg Oden. The oft injured number one overall pick is considered a bust, but could be solid coming off the bench if used correctly. The Celtics cannot put their franchise on his back, but if he still wants to prove himself Beantown could be his home.
     But Ainge needs a young and reliable center. His choice should come down to JaVale McGee or Roy Hibbert. Both are young and could be explosive, and either would be guaranteed the starting spot. And a starting center paired with Rondo will flourish. The Celtics should also gamble on Kwame Browne, another former number one pick who has failed to live up to his hype. But coming off the bench, he could be dangerous. And with McGee (or Hibbert) and Oden (or Browne) suddenly a team that seemed small has gotten huge.
     Next the Celtics have to resign Bass, Green and Pietrus. Green will come cheap and, like Oden, will want to prove himself. And he has to do it here. Bass might have a higher price tag, but he’s proven himself this season. He has seemingly broken the curse of the number 30 (see Bias, Blount, Telfair, Wallace, Murphy, etc.). Pietrus wants to be here and will out hustle anyone at anytime.
     As for the rest of the team, the Celtics just need to go on a shopping spree. O.J. Mayo or Eric Gordon could fill out the shooting guard needs, while Kirk Hinrich is a hard working combo-guard. J.J. Hickson could be a solid power forward behind Bass. All these guys with Rondo, Pierce, Green, Pietrus and Bass could be very promising.
     Things could be better for the Celtics, but things could just as easily be worse. This will not be a year for banner 18; Ainge has made sure of that. But if the crafty GM wants to prove his worth before he goes the way of the dinosaur, he’ll make a big splash this offseason. He has to. His legacy depends on it.