Patriots Win Big Early

Earlier today I wrote about how the New England Patriots had landed Albert Haynesworth from the Washington Redskins. In accordance with their love of risk, the Pats have also landed celebrity wide receiver Chad "Ochocino" Johnson. This addition will help fill the void left when Randy Moss was traded last season. Also, the tandem of Ochocinco, Wes Welker and Dion Branch should provide Tom Brady with the depth needed to win big again. Stay tuned, there's more to come.

The NFL Has Returned

            After months of waiting and uncertainty, the NFL is officially back in business. The lockout that plagued the league for half a year ended last week, and the mad scramble of free agency has begun. There have already been noteworthy moves and trades, with every team trying desperately to put something together in the days before preseason starts.

            The first major move to happen was Hasselback leaving the Seattle Seahawks for the Tennessee Titans. Hasselback lead the Seahawks to a surprising first round playoff victory this past season over the 2010 champs, the New Orleans Saints. The soon to be 36 year old will replace the troubled Vince Young in Tennessee as both franchises try to move forward.

            The Washington Redskins then offloaded two unsurprising yet major deals. Donovan McNabb, whose time in Washington can be described as frustrating, was sent to the Vikings to replace Grandfather Favre. Then, Albert Haynesworth, the defensive tackle who never got off the ground in D.C., was shipped to New England for a 2013 fifth round draft pick. These moves were basically Washington’s way of saying “We bet wrong.” Both players are solid, and in the right environment can prosper. McNabb is ready for his last go round as a starter, and Haynesworth (assuming he passes the conditioning test) can thrive in the Patriots’ multiple fronts. Belichick loves to gamble. They have succeeded with Corey Dillon and Randy Moss, so this move should pay off.

            The Saints parted ways with their star running back, Reggie Bush, as he was shipped off to Miami. And finally, the Eagles dealt quarterback Kevin Kolb to Arizona. Keep your eyes peeled for the final moves of the offseason. Thank God for football.

The Battle for the Debt Ceiling

            There’s been plenty of action lately; the winds of change might not be category five yet, but things are getting exciting for the first time in a while. The big issue is the showdown in D.C. raging right now. A battle royale between John Boehner’s Republicans and Harry Reid’s Democrats. The issue is as basic as could be: how to best deal with our national debt. We are less than a week away from the painstakingly real possibility that the federal government will not be able to borrow any more money. But the two sides (or at least their figureheads) are offering very different answers.

            Boehner wants a short term fix. His plan would make $900 billion in cuts and would raise the debt ceiling for just a few months. Meaning we would have to revisit this whole debate again in the fall. Reid and other leading Democrats have said they will kill this bill immediately if it were to pass the Republican controlled House. Reid’s plan would call for the debt ceiling to be raised throughout 2012, while making $2 trillion in cuts.

            Both sides are having closed door, clandestine meetings for their parties, excluding opposition from coming in and making deals. At America’s most desperate time domestically, the leaders of the country continue to act like spoiled brats on the school yard at recess; they whine and moan and storm off when they don’t get exactly what they want. But at the heart of it, both sides want the same thing. Neither really wants some great victory for the American people; they simply want to see the other party lose.

            There will be a vote on Boehner’s bill tonight. And win, lose or draw, the politicians come out the same as ever; greased and grinning ear to ear, paycheck still in hand. As long as it looks like they tried, or even if it looks like they tried to make it look like they were trying to help the rest of us they can hang up their rock and roll shoes and call it a day.  No matter what happens tonight, they’ll still come out on top, and the rest of us will have to sigh and shoulder even more. 

Who Is Michele Bachmann, And Why Should You Be Afraid Of Her?

            Since the first Republican presidential debate was held, the race has quickly boiled down to a few chosen favorites to take on the task of making Barack Obama a one term president. Romney still stands as the clear cut favorite, a charismatic friend of big business who knows how to smile for the camera. But surprisingly other major candidates have seemingly fallen flat. The last anyone heard of Tim Pawlenty was after he was declared the loser of the second Republican debate. Tail between his legs and shoulders hunched, Pawlenty seems to have crawled back into the dog house reserved for likes of Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson: outcasts and freaks of the GOP. And Gingrich is cursed to be Gingrich – he’s been dead in the water for years now.

            Yet the most debilitating and reprehensible aspect of the second debate was that Michele Bachmann – the crusading calumniator who lacks any sense of American history – was declared the winner. Bachmann represents a large step backwards in American politics. She is a lunatic who believes that God handpicked her to be President of the United States. She is the face and voice of the Tea Party, while in her mind she is the right hand of God here to smite the sinners (liberals, gays and conscientious objectors) off the face of the planet.

            At face value, Michele Bachmann is a nincompoop who says whatever comes into her head and has never once even considered using a fact checker. But when one digs deeper into the heart of darkness that is the Bachmann America, one discovers something much more terrifying. When you look hard into the eye of that storm, you find something that is inherently racist and narcissistic, something that is both stupid and wrong, and something that gaining ground. The Bachmann train is a well calculated movement that eats the hearts of many, and shits on the foolish that stand against it. Not with facts, but with undeserving support and an unwarranted sense of accomplishment.

            Say what you want about the similarities between Bachmann and Sarah Palin, but there are key differences. Sarah Palin may be nuts, but Michele Bachmann is crazy. Palin likes to be known; it is doubtful that she really wants to be president, because she knows better than anyone that history would not be friendly on President Palin. She likes the money and the fame, but nothing else. Bachmann, on the other hand, believes with all her heart that she is supposed to be president, and will stop at nothing to reach that goal. And what’s worse is that people are eating this up. Those stupid enough to believe that Bachmann is a modern day prophet and weapon of God will go to hell and back just to see Bachmann make waves. And that is very scary.

            Bachmann is something new to American politics. Never before has someone so hysterically unqualified been pushed to such a national level that it makes the rest of us uncomfortable and legitimately afraid of the reality of a World War III. She would be the first president since Truman who wouldn’t have to think twice or bat an eye at dropping a nuclear bomb somewhere in the world, just to kill people who she doesn’t understand. After all, she answers to a higher power than we do, one that doesn’t approve of turbans or burqas.

            On a domestic level, Bachmann’s “politics” make little to no sense. She thinks that by destroying minimum wage, more jobs would be created. She believes that carbon dioxide is harmless. To her, the American Revolution started in New Hampshire, not Massachusetts (I guess historians meant the other Lexington and Concord). She believes that many Nobel Prize winning scientists believe in intelligent design. She refuses to fill out the 2010 census forms for her and her family. She believes the swine flu only comes out during the terms of Democratic presidents (Carter and Obama). For her, climate change is a laughable hoax. She believes there is some kind of dark and evil homosexual conspiracy out to get her (perhaps with Illuminati overtones?). She claims that Terry Schiavo was perfectly healthy when they pulled the plug on her. But at the bottom of everything, Michele Bachmann somehow thinks that either the gays or the blacks are the ones to blame in today’s America.

            Looking at her long list of character defects and simpleton expressions, it’s hard to see exactly how Michele Bachmann got to be so important that many will sacrifice their souls to vote for her on Election Day. Yet that is exactly what has happened. She has conned the American people into thinking they are in danger of a black extremist who will put together an army of terrorists, gays, socialists, communists, Marxists, Muslims, rapists and murderers who will come to their houses in the middle of the night to get retribution for crimes they have not committed. This is the America that Michele Bachmann represents. A nation of three hundred million lost souls who will do whatever it takes to get a better spot in heaven, even if that means damning their friends and neighbors to hell. The horror, the horror. 

How Stupidity Ruined Anthony Weiner

            Anthony Weiner, the congressman who sent photos of his junk to any woman who cared to look, has announced that he will step down. Regardless of his actions, Weiner’s hand was forced on this issue. Democrats and Republicans were calling for his head, eager to prove something and looking for someone to make an example out of. This is, after all, election season.

            Wiener may be a lot of things. He may be an asshole. He may have the Brett Favre complex. And he may be a fiend and a hound. But at the end of the day, the biggest question should have been: was he a bad congressman? The answer to that question is undoubtedly no. Weiner’s sexting obsession is a problem, but a personal one that pales in comparison to what other elected officials do on the clock at Capitol Hill. After all, even Clinton got to stay in the White House after he had an intern polish his knob.

            When polled, more than half of Weiner’s district wanted him to stay in office, giving evidence that he could have won his reelection bid next year. The only people who clamored for his removal were other politicians, looking for someone to point fingers at and distract the media. The fact that Eliot Spitzer was calling him out should be enough evidence that this is not worth our time. Weiner is only guilty of being horny. Usually that’s a prerequisite for being a politician.

            Scandal is nothing new in the field of American politics. We as consumers like to have a good political scandal every few years, and the politicians love to see adversaries fall. But Weiner is different. Once he’s gone, the House will have lost the most electrifying and passionate orator that anyone has seen in some time. His only crime was being stupid. 

            Hunter S. Thompson said it best. “In a closed society where everybody's guilty, the only crime is getting caught. In a world of thieves, the only final sin is stupidity.”

The Offseason Has Begun

The NBA season has finally come to an end. The Dallas Mavericks won their first franchise championship as the Miami Heat came crumbling apart in Game 6. People rejoiced as LeBron James fell short of his goal again, and looked like a fool in the process. Cleveland is still a long way from title dreams, but at least their nightmares aren’t coming true; LeBron is still empty handed. A fitting ending to a turbulent season.

As for the rest of the league, the off season looks grim and the draft looks even worse. Cleveland is set to take Kyrie Irving, but his is no LeBron James. If anything, he’s another John Wall. There are very few key players coming into free agency this summer, so any spectacular moves would be beyond shocking. Dwight Howard and Chris Paul are staying put for at least one more season.

The Boston Celtics, already depleted in the center position, were given another blow as Nenad Kristic – a solid player who came in the Perkins deal – opted to play in Russia as the league is in lockout. This has raised some chatter over who the Celtics can sign to go along with Jermaine O’Neal. Sacramento’s Samuel Dalembert has been discussed, and I’ve even heard of a sign and trade situation where Glen Davis gets sent to the Clippers for Chris Kaman. However, these possibilities would eventually prove more problematic than helpful for the Celtics. Dalembart is solid, but not solid enough for his price tag. And Davis is far more important to Boston than a reject from the Clippers.

This leaves Boston with fewer options. The only great center who is a free agent this summer is Tyson Chandler from Dallas. I don’t see him leaving the champion Mavericks for a lot less money in Boston however. The Celtics could try and get Greg Oden from the Trail Blazers, but I don’t see the former number one overall pick taking a minimum contract. I also don’t see Portland letting him walk away; they’ve invested too much already. Boston could also try for Kwame Brown, another former number one overall pick. His price tag will be low, and I’m sure he’d relish the chance to play for a contender. The only thing Boston can really do is draft big men and hope they work out well. This might be good news for Troy Murphy, who never really got off the ground in Boston. If he works out and proves he can defend and grab rebounds (and maybe even get his jump shot down again) he could be back for another year. But that’s a big if for Dropkick.

Boston cannot afford to let Davis walk. He wants to be a starter, sure, but after his abysmal performance in the Miami series, it’s obvious he needs more work. And with Garnett likely to retire soon, he is already being groomed to take that place.

The wing position is still weak for Boston. There are talks about retaining Von Wafer for another year, which is not a terrible idea. Wafer had moments on the court where he proved his worth, but overall he wasn’t the spark Boston needed. Eddie House is set to be a free agent this summer, and was a proven provider during his tenure in Boston. He is essentially the same player as Delonte West, but could definitely hold down the point with West at the two-spot.

Unless the Celtics can lure away J. R. Smith or come up with some brilliant scheme to get O. J. Mayo in a trade, they're likely to remain weak the two spot for this coming season. The Grizzlies already tried to move his contract, but the Celtics don’t have enough to offer. Jamal Crawford is unrestricted, but his price tag is very high. This might a position that Boston drafts for and hopes it will pan out.

A couple of veteran players are available, and the Celtics could get them inexpensively. Tracy McGrady used to be a serious threat, and could be useful off the bench to relieve Ray Allen’s minutes. And based on Danny Ainge’s love of gambling, I could see a minimum contract being offered to Allen Iverson in hopes of providing some kind of bench run offense. These are all hypothetical scenarios. The certainty of the Celtics offseason is very murky right now.

LePage's Second Veto: Dollars are Better than People

            The human beach ball that is the governor of Maine, Paul LePage, has issued another veto this month. The bill in question was one that would have prohibited foreign loggers from coming into Maine to work on state owned land that is managed by the Department of Conservation. LePage vetoed the bill by somehow citing equal protection under the Constitution.

            The problem with this veto is that LePage cannot hide his hatred of regulations. He’ll gladly cut all the trees down without creating a single job for Mainers. His veto will allow for Canadian loggers to come in at presumably lower wages than local loggers, while deforesting the entire state. There is no chance of LePage regulating how many Maine trees are cut down by foreign hands and shipped out just as quickly.

            In a time when everyone is struggling, how can a man who is supposed to have our best interests in mind just give jobs away and send the forests to Kingdom Come? It’s easy for a man whose best friends are corporate assholes and money mongers. Eventually we’ll all have to take a long hard look at that dollar grubbing brute up in Augusta and wonder why we did this to ourselves. Good God, where will it end?