Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Whimpering Geek from Waterville

            November 2010 marked the beginning of long and dark days to come for Maine. We bid farewell to our old pal John Baldacci and elected the next governor, Paul LePage, in a disgraceful and otherwise unimpressive election. The candidates were all lackluster at best, having weeded out the strongest competition first. John Richardson, a Democrat from Brunswick, had the makings of a qualified and responsible governor for the Crustacean Nation, but was forced to abandon his campaign because of “irregularities” discovered by the ethics commission. Ultimately, some hack way down in his campaign hierarchy made up contributions, and Richardson had to pay the price. Once he was gone, the field opened up for every two-bit chump with delusions of proficiency to have a fighting chance.
            The race boiled down quickly, and because of democratic indecision, Tea Party darling Paul LePage emerged victorious. He did not win a resounding landslide, nor did he make any kind of statement victory; he didn’t even have a majority (he got 38% of the vote). The only reason he won was because the vote split three ways between LePage, Democrat Libby Mitchell and Independent Eliot Cutler. Mitchell seemed to have a lock, but assumed too much and fell short of the mark. She should have dropped out to ensure Cutler’s victory (he lost by less than 8,000 votes), but her ego wouldn’t allow it. So with a majority of the vote being split two ways, LePage picked up the rest and laughed his way to Augusta.
            Paul LePage is reminiscent of a gorged groundhog that sees its shadow, but is just too fat and a lazy to give a fuck. Or maybe he looks more like a beached whale in a bad suit. Or he could just be an out of shape Danny DeVitto. Regardless of what he looks like, LePage’s personality is exactly what you’d expect it to be: insufferable, uncompromising, naïve, close minded and inconsiderate. He says whatever comes into his head and lacks any kind of filter.
            Worse than his personality is his moral compass. LePage lacks the same kind of decency that the rest of us have. He evades taxes, lies about residencies to get benefits, hires his daughter for a campaign position that she’s laughably unqualified for and openly dislikes minority interest groups. During the campaign, it came out that he was receiving tax exemptions in both Maine and Florida, because he was registered as a permanent resident in both. Instead of manning up and admitting that he failed at cheating the system, LePage made his wife take the fall. She claimed that while her husband was a permanent resident of Maine, she was a permanent resident of Florida and she had to pay the price for tax evasion. Even with this news, LePage still got to send his kids to school in Florida at discounted prices because of their “residency.” What a guy.
            Soon after he was “elected,” LePage hired his 22 year old daughter as the assistant to his chief of staff. This entry level position has an annual salary of $41,000 with employee benefits exceeding an additional $15,000. She also receives $10,000 in housing benefits annually for getting to live for free with her father in the governor’s mansion. Since this salary well exceeds those of other entry level positions across the board in Portland, one might ask what makes Lauren LePage so qualified to be earning this straight out of college? The answer: nothing. Her political background begins and ends with the fact that her father is the new governor and is the former mayor of Waterville.
            Not too long ago, LePage told President Obama he could “go to Hell.” And by told, I mean he said it to no one in particular in rural Maine, because it’s doubtful he would have the testicular fortitude to say anything like that to the president’s face. LePage is a coward who hopes his political “enemies” won’t care enough to seek him out, because he knows that he would crumble like a sand castle at high tide.
            The most recent eloquent uttering from LePage came a few days into his first term, when he told the NAACP to “kiss my butt.” The irony of course is that he said this on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day shortly after he refused to take part in any events for the day or even meet with Maine representatives for the NAACP. His reasoning was that he “did not want to be held hostage by special interest groups.” Not only did the NAACP take offense to this, but nearly every other reasonable and intelligent American did as well, regardless of ethnicity. LePage, ever the optimist, had a response for these “rational” people. He told the media he had an adopted son who is black. Apparently that gives him a get-out-of-jail-free card when it comes to racism and ignorance. Because his adopted son is black, he can be openly insensitive and close minded towards minority groups. In his mind, this might even give him the green light to start using the N-word publicly. Relax; he has an adopted black son.
            LePage has gone on record as saying no “sane person” would allow transgendered individuals in schools, both primary and high school. He of course opposes gay marriage. He wants to reduce the size of Maine’s government (but sees fit to give his daughter a job in said government) and wants to take as many people off MaineCare (the state Medicaid program) as he possibly can. He thinks Maine’s welfare program is too far reaching and needs to be reduced (though he has publicly admitted he doesn’t know why or how) and believes that creationism should be taught in public schools. He is the perfect Tea Partier: an idiotic “patriot” who doesn’t know exactly what he stands for but is also too proud and too stupid to admit it.
            Paul LePage is a shadow of a man, devoid of any emotions other than greed, gluttony and pride. The only trace of love he has is his love of money. His languid win this past November proved one thing: we, as Mainers, are fucked if we don’t get our act in gear. He’ll either take us back to the Stone Age or into a nuclear holocaust while playing “Hail to the Chief” on loud speakers outside of every public square.
            LePage is the kind of man that is becoming the norm for politicians these days. He licks his chops at the smell of money and probably gets a fire in his loins whenever he listens to Glenn Beck on television and probably dreams of a threesome involving himself, Sarah Palin and Bill O’Reilly. He is not my governor because I refuse to acknowledge him as a leader. He does not represent the people of Maine in any significant way. I hope that in time we quit fucking around and elect someone who we can at least respect on a personal level. Not only does this shit-kicking, minority hating and two-timing nepotistic bigot not have my respect, he doesn’t deserve it.
            Let’s send him back up to the county where he belongs. Maybe when he’s so bloated from all the McDonald’s and Dunkin Donuts that he’s stuffed into himself that he can’t get out of bed without a crane and ambulance waiting he’ll reconsider his stance on welfare and health care programs.
            Until then, Paul LePage can kiss my butt.


  1. Colin,

    You write really long blog posts, but from the first two paragraphs, it sounds good. :-P
    Totally following you now,


  2. ouchhhh shit's scathing dude, hardcore hating on the right. ur right tho, i was shocked when he told the NAACP to fuck off, that's just not something the leader of anyone besides a KKK chapter can do and not get screwed over for it. sorry Maine, should've stayed a part of Mass.... except then you'll be under Deval too, so nvm....