The first chapter in the long, cruel and terrible saga that lies ahead of us has unfolded; the first Republican debate was held in Greensville, South Carolina last night, hosted by Fox News and friends. This officially marks open season for campaigning, but the field was looking bare and empty last night. Of the five speakers present, only one is considered an actual contender for the nomination, and that’s the former governor from Minnesota, Tim Pawlenty. The rest of the participants were a bunch of has beens and hacks, none of which will be able to stir even the smallest whirlwind in the shit storm that’s about to come crashing through our televisions each night for the next eighteen months.
To call this debacle a debate is nothing short of a crime; nobody was debating anything. It was a stage with five self congratulating nobodies who couldn’t muster up anything to say that wasn’t complete horseshit; it was basically a contest to see who could out-America the others. The judges were just Fox News pundits who threw out softball questions, hoping that someone – anyone – could hit a homerun. But they all fell short of the mark, even Congressman Ron Paul, whose days of promoting his revolution seem all but over thanks to his good for nothing son, Senator Rand Paul, tarnishing the name. All he could do was raise the legalization flag, but even that seemed empty and lonesome, like the very last dollar in a gambling man’s wallet; Ron Paul’s progressivity doesn’t seem so progressive anymore.
The judges also did a colossal disservice to those candidates who actually showed up by constantly reminding the audience that the real heavy hitters weren’t there. Fox and friends were eager to point out that Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Donald Trump and Michele Bachmann (among others) weren’t in attendance. This should have been undeniably insulting to the five on stage, who should have pointed out that they were there to debate, not hypothesize over what Mitt Romney might say if he had actually shown up.
The most laughable aspect of the debate last night was the fact that Herman Cain, whose largest political accomplishment up to this point was being the former chief executive for a chain of pizza restaurants, was declared the winner by Fox pollster, Frank Luntz. Cain declared that President Obama’s administration was the worst in all of U.S. history and applauded his own lack of political experience as his greatest strength. Cain, however, did agree with Obama’s decision not to release the photos of Osama bin Laden’s dead body, a decision most GOP hopefuls (like backwoods harlequin Sarah Palin) have called cowardly.
Others in attendance were former New Mexico governor Gary Johnson and Rick Santorum, the former Senator of Pennsylvania. Santorum continuously tried to interrupt any form of praise being given to Obama, saying that “If you look at what President Obama has done right in foreign policy, it has always been a continuation of the Bush policies.”
These are dark days ahead of us, especially for the GOP. No real contender has come forward, and it seems increasingly likely that many of them might back off and wait for 2016 when they don’t have to campaign against the man who killed Osama bin Laden. The severed head of bin Laden might as well be hanging outside the White House, rattling in the wind with the American flag flying proudly over it. Obama’s got the Republicans scared and running. It will be interesting to see who actually comes forward to fight for the nomination that already seems doomed to failure, to see who wants to be the next martyr of the GOP.
Time will tell.
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